


Your Healing Touch

by amayakumiko



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, allusions to self harm and depression, its like dark fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-18
Updated: 2014-01-18
Packaged: 2018-01-09 03:44:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1141028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amayakumiko/pseuds/amayakumiko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Gadreel, Sam couldn't feel anything. Literally.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your Healing Touch

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kngfishergrl](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=kngfishergrl).



Sitting in the car after he ejected Gadreel, sam sat silently, thinking that nothing felt the same. he ran his hands across the seats of the stolen Continental and they didn’t feel like they should have. Instead of the cheap creak of vinyl, or the buttery smooth of well taken care of leather, it just felt like cotton. Squishy and soft, comfortable, but nothing that screamed "carseat!"

He touched the seat belt. It only felt almost smooth, just a hint of the weave that was supposed to be its defining characteristic. 

As Cas drove, he ran his fingers over everything, the plastic of the radio, the the textured fabric of the dash, the window, nothing felt right.

"Is there a problem, Sam?" Cas glanced over, a look of concern on his face. Sam looked at his hands and rubbed his fingers together, they felt meaty.

"Nothing, Cas. Its nothing. I guess just lingering effects of kicking an angel out. Stuff feels weird."

Castiel frowned again, the lines of his brow growing deeper as he thought.

“Perhaps. Please keep me informed if it grows worse or gets better, okay?”

“Yeah. I’m sure it will get better.”

Three days later, it had gotten worse. Three days of shitty motels with what was supposed to be rough and scratchy bedsheets and towels, three days of sleek vinyl diner seats, Formica counter tops, plastic menus, sticky shower curtains and every other horrid sensory input that Sam remembered- he didn't feel. Nothing felt like anything anymore. 

He only knew when he was touching something because his hand, or hip, or foot would stop moving. It was like his whole body had been put under, except he could still move. On day four, he spoke up.

“Cas. I can’t feel anything.”

Cas squinted his eyes and tilted his head to the side, confused at Sam’s meaning.

“Are you emotionally distressed Sam?”

“No, damn it!”, Sam exclaimed. He rubbed his fingers together and touched his arms, pawing at them trying for any kind of touch.

“I can’t feel anything! “

It was like a light bulb going off in castiels mind. His face cleared up and he took a couple of steps forward into Sam’s personal space. He reached his hand out and hovered it over Sam’s and the blue-white glow of his grace showed through. When it was gone, he gingerly touched Sam’s hand.

“Is that better?”

“Actually, no. Its really not.”

Castiel frowned looked at Sam this time. He stared at sam for so long, he started to fidget from the intensity.

“Cas?”

Castiel blinked, and looked away from Sam, down to the table beside him.

“I’m sorry Sam. I can’t find anything wrong.”

Sam deflated and unconsciously rubbed his hands together, trying to catch a glimmer of a sense.

“So, there’s nothing wrong with me?”

“Not that I can see.”

Sam nodded, dejected and trying to hide it. He took off his jacket, then grabbed his duffel and headed for the bathroom.

“Thanks Cas.”

____

It took a week before Sam hotwired a car and left, leaving Cas behind along with the long searching looks that were better suited for his brother to return. He still couldn’t feel, but he adapted. He figured out through an accident with a knife that he still had a pain sense, small and faint as it was, but it was enough.

He handled everything with a gruff clumsiness, hurting himself every chance he got. He was covered in bruises of varying sizes and stages of healing from catching his toes on bedposts, clipping doors with his shoulder, knocking knees with the table. He looked terrible, but at least he could feel again. 

He drove south, to Texas, hoping the sun on his face would push through the cloud and permeate through to his body. 

___  
After a month of driving, Sam ended up in Corpus Christi. The only reason Sam had come by was that he overheard someone in a dinner had said it as a good, clean place to surf.  
Not that Sam actually wanted to surf, but it sounded interesting, and it was a better destination than the nothing he was actually heading for. 

He followed the signs for South Padre Island and eventually found the pier. It was cold and grey, no one around but a lone blond man. He had a cat on a leash, lounging on the ground and a chocolate lab chasing after a stick. It took him far too long to realize the man was Lucifer. It surprised Sam that he didn’t really care. Sam strolled leisurely up to the angel and watched at his side as the lab happily plopped a drool covered stick at their feet. Sm picked it up, squeezed, then threw it.

“Hey.”

“Hello Sam.”

“I thought you were supposed to be in the Cage?”

“When my brothers fell, it caused a Crack in the cage. Michael and I stopped fighting long enough to rip it bigger. We crawled out in Stull cemetery.”

“Michael?”

“Is somewhere up north. Dean?”

“Hunting a rogue angel, somewhere.”

Lucifer nodded like he knew exactly where Dean was. Sam shrugged, gaze focusing on the retriever again as it ran back to Lucifer. Sam picked the stick up and threw it again. He had no pressing questions, no angry rants, just the thought that the cloud that had become his body had somehow become his mind as well.

“Sam?”

Lucifer turned and Sam noticed that all the open sores were gone. Without them, he was kinda handsome. 

“Yes?”

“Why are you here?”

“Looking for something? I expelled an Angel.”

He tapped his temple and looked out at the waves.

“He must have done the angel version of a tantrum and tore some shit up. I can’t feel anything. I guess i’m looking for a way to fix it?” 

Sam shrugged, not caring one way or another. He looked mildly at Lucifer, who looked like he was going to have a conniption.

“Another angel possessed you you? Which?”

“Gadreel.”

Lucifer grit his teeth and tugged Sam to his small car, the animals dutifully following behind them. He muttered as he walked, viciously grinding his teeth together.

“Next time I see him, he will be dead.”

He looked up at Sam, then gestured for him to get into the car, passengers side. he placed the cat into the center armrest and the dog gleefully hopped in the back.  
He drove without speaking for a few minutes, until he got back onto the bridge to take them to the mainland.

“I’m going to take you home and figure out exactly what Gadreel did to you. I’ll have to send some of my grace into you on and explore, see how bad the damage is. Will that be okay.?”

Sam nodded against the window he was leaning on.

“Yeah. Whatever.”

Lucifer sped the rest of the way back to his home on Flour Bluff. His home was more like a shoddy little lean-to, but it had a roof and four walls, it was better than the things sam had lived in sometimes- especially on the inside.

It was filled, every flat surface covered with plants and flowers in various staged of bloom. Sam wanted to touch everything, wanted to feel the smooth leaves and silky petals like nothing he had ever wanted before. Lucifer got things settled in the house as Sam looked and squeezed his hands into fists, controlling the urge to touch what he couldn’t feel.  
When Sam was finally done, he found Lucifer in the kitchen, sat in one of two chairs in the the middle of the room. He sat across from Lucifer, and he watched as their knees bumped.

“What do I need to do?”

“I’m going to need you to say yes. The amount of grace isn't enough for possession, but enough for permission.” 

Lucifer looked so honest and earnest. Sam could believe that he was telling the truth. If Sam were telling the truth, he would say that he didn’t care what lucifer did in there, if he felt anything, it would be worth it.

Sam closed his eyes and spoke firmly.

“Yes”

He was immediately flooded with the feeling of another being in his mind with him, but rather than shoving him into a corner, Lucifer made plenty of space for Sam, only taking up his fair share. Sam felt a warm, tingling sensation flood over him and he could feel his breath hitch in his body.

“Hey, its okay. Its just me. You were right. Gadreel did a number on you, the petulant brat. Not all of this is from gadreel though. You have a wall? “ Lucifers voice surrounded him, warm and gentle, confused. Sam nodded.

“Cas put it there. I was hallucinating you, from the cage. I almost died. He saved my life.”

“If he had removed you properly in the first place, you wouldn't have needed this.” Lucifer said bitterly. “He forgot your _Soul_ , Sam. How do you forget the essence..” He sighed and Sam could feel him remove the wall, brick by brick.

“What…?”

“You hallucinated because your Soul was damaged, not your brain Sam. I’m going to fix that. You won’t need this anymore.”

It seemed reasonable enough, so Sam didn't protest, he just enjoyed the warmth. It slowly grew from a gentle tingle to a full out burn and Sam twitched, nervous.

“Almost done Sam.” He felt a ghost of a touch on his face and he leaned into it, wanting more. Lucifer chuckled.

“One more moment, and you’ll feel again. Everything. Be patient.”

Sam nodded and waited. The pain startled him, it was white hot and intense, but lasted only a moment. He could feel the warmth leave him as he panted in his chair.

“Sorry. No way else to do that.” Sam felt a hand on his face. A rough, large hand, on his actual face. His eyes snapped open and he saw Lucifer’s arm attached to the hand on his face. He reached up and covered it with his own and grinned. rubbing his cheek into the sensation.

“I can feel you” Sam whispered. “ I can feel you, everywhere.” 

“Its a side effect. If you let it go, it will fade.”

“And if I hold on?”

“It will strengthen, and it will bind us for eternity. Its your choice… I wanted to give you that option.” Lucifer looked strangely nervous, and Sam had a memory of Lucifer saying those exact words before. Sam furrowed his brow and let the love from the memory wash over him over and over again.

“We’ve done this before.” 

“Yes. In the Cage. Your wall blocked it off.” 

“Oh God. I was so stupid.” Sam covered his face with his hands and took a couple of deep breaths. He brought his hands down and pulled Lucifer in by his shirt (flannel, soft) and kissed him like the word was exploding. When they broke apart, Sam unwrapped himself from Lucifer, pulling his hands from Lucifer’s hair and Lucifer sliding his hands up and down Sam’s back, almost afraid to let go.

“Don’t worry.” Sam whispered. “I won’t forget you again, and you are going to come find me if I get lost, alright?”

“Alright.” Lucifer whispered back. “Okay.


End file.
